Caring For Others

By Paul Ashton, Psy.D., D.Min.
Consultant to the VIRTUS^® Programs

"A life not lived for others is not a life."
—Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

When I was young, certain rules or a way to live were instilled in me by my mother, grandmother and the good Sisters and Brothers in school. Basic manners were important, and we learned that being kind and polite was to be a total way of life. These little ways, traditions or the "right things to do" fit like a glove with our religious training. Being Christian mandated good manners and appropriate behavior.
Do you remember some of these? How many can you add to the list from your own upbringing?

• Saying please and thank you.
• Saying "excuse me" when you enter or leave a room, or when you pass by someone trying to get by.
• Holding the door open for someone. 
• For a male, letting women go ahead of you in a line, through a door, or in and out of an elevator.
• Always placing oneself on the outside (near the curb) when walking with a woman or youth.
• For a male, always going ahead of a woman down the stairs or an escalator (in case she might fall).
• Never interrupting.
• Greeting people with a smile when you meet them.
• Sending thank you notes for gifts and other kindnesses extended to you.
• Never monopolizing a conversation.
• Always putting others first.

Good form, decorum, a pleasant demeanor, appropriate grooming and dress—these were given as a recipe not only for politeness, but success. No matter what and where, good manners were always to be employed. 

In a recent Uber ride to the airport I had an interesting conversation with the driver. He was from another country and had been in the USA for about five years. He said that he always heard that "America was a very polite place," but when he came here, everyone was pushing and shoving and just thinking of themselves. He asked me "How was it 25 years ago when everyone was polite and took care of each other?" I laughed and replied that we always think that the good 'ole days were better than the present. "Back in the day" is often repeated as segue to better, easier and happier times. Is it true that manners have faded away? Have we totally allowed function to overtake form? When this type of conversation takes place, some of the side topics include: the doing away with the teaching of the Palmer Method cursive penmanship, proper grammar usage and how to diagram a sentence. Or typing properly, writing a thank you note and sending a written invitation instead of an evite. The list goes on and I am certain that you could add many of your own concerns about the things you miss.

In our 1980 Central Catholic High School (all boys then) Student Handbook you would find the words of Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman "The Definition of a Gentleman" from a series of lectures given in Ireland, 1852. His words echo true these many years later: 

"Hence it is that it is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain. The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast;—all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make everyone at their ease and at home. He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. A gentleman neither boasts nor gossips. He thinks well of others and treats them with kindness, observing the maxim that we should conduct ourselves with our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend."

Manners may not be as valued as they were many years ago. People are too busy rushing late to appointments, classes and meetings. The terms "gentleman" and "lady" are even offensive to some. The ways things are done today are quite different from what was done yesteryear, but what remains constant in our society is the quality of care and concern we carry in our hearts for others. I see so many acts of kindness and respect in my travels through many airports and cities across the country. People need little urging to help their neighbor. While at the same time I see people acting in ways that make me shudder, the highlights are always of small, yet profound gestures by a stranger for another person in need. 

Taking care of the needy and vulnerable, persons with disabilities and the children in our communities will never fall out of style. Being careful, cautious and helpful in protecting them make us the great nation we are, individually and corporately. When nature strikes with calamity, when horrors fall upon a community in the form of violence and hatred, when people are hungry and suffering, we seem to be at our best in reaching out to help. We shine as beacons of light in darkened places. Many, many, many goods souls rush toward a tragedy offering to help, instead running away from it. Saying "Excuse me" in such times is unnecessary; all is understood through acts of kindness. Times have changed and continue to change, but the goodness in our hearts always wins out. Blessed Newman's words state it all so very well: "To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often."

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