By Paul J. Ashton, Psy.D., D.Min.
Consultant to the VIRTUS® Programs
God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace…
-Absolution Formula, Sacrament of Penance
A story I often tell in my training sessions is one which has been repeated for many years and for many an audience. It is the story of the Pig and the Chicken and goes like this… A pig and a chicken were out for a walk one day when they happened across a very sad-looking group of human beings. “Gee,” said the pig, “I wonder what’s wrong with them?” “I don’t know,” said the chicken. “But I wonder if they might be hungry. Let’s cheer them up! Let’s make them a bacon and egg breakfast!” The pig paused for a moment. “Hey,” he said. “I’m not so sure I like that idea. For you it’s a contribution, but for me it’s a big commitment!”
And so goes the story of the journey of healing and forgiveness—easy to say yet so hard to do, especially depending on your role in the drama.
In February 2004, I wrote an article on forgiveness that appeared on this web site. It drew many favorable comments, but there were a few emails from victims, survivors, and thrivers who wanted clarification. Their questions and concerns raised the idea of the contribution made by those who are being asked, and often times challenged, to forgive. I am very troubled as I search for answers to their questions about forgiveness. The last retreat I facilitated for victims of abuse focused on this exact question. How and when can victims forgive their abusers? Having walked with many victims, survivors, and thrivers on retreats for those who have been sexually abused by clergy and religious, the theme of forgiveness is often met with great anxiety and even anger. Certainly the act of forgiveness is never forced on anyone, but the benefits of walking through the process of healing and forgiveness are presented as an invitation to move toward wholeness for the self, not the other. It is by no means a selfish prospect, on the contrary, many benefit from even witnessing to the powerful journey of forgiveness. What is important for anyone who has been deeply hurt, abused, harmed, or wounded to know is that the embarking on the journey of forgiveness breaks the chains that bind you to those who have injured you. It has everything to do with self and much less to do with the actions of others which we can never control.
Forgiveness is a process and not a fact. It does not happen over night and rarely happens in a Hollywood fashion. It happens over small moments, realized or not, when the chains that bind you are melted, broken, or even sawed off, allowing the person who has been wounded to breathe easier, to dream softer, and to feel safe and secure in their bodies as true Temples of God’s love. It is a painful journey to embark upon, but we must never lose sight of the great gains which come as powerful Grace and healing in and throughout the process. “It is important to admit to ourselves that the realities of being forgiven and offering forgiveness are usually messy and often heart wrenching. However, the anticipated pain and messiness does not excuse us from beginning the process of forgiveness. Ultimately, we are all bound by the injunction of Jesus in the gospel that we forgive as God has forgiven us. We acknowledge that it is much easier to say… ‘Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors….’” (Mt 6:12) than to do it.1
Many victims have told me that they feel re-victimized and harshly judged when they are asked to forgive. They feel that we are asking too much and perhaps not understanding the pain and depth of what it is like to forgive someone who hasn’t shown one ounce of remorse or contrition. Many times they feel that the invitation to forgive is also an invitation to forget. This is hardly what is being asked. Forgiveness is not forgetting. “We do not forget when we forgive, but the meaning of memory changes—forgiving is active and aware; it is recognizing the injury, owning the pain, and reaching out to reframe, re-create, restore, reconstruct, rebuild, reopen what can be opened.”2
In walking with those who have been abused, we see pain in such vivid ways that it is almost too overwhelming to bear. Those of us in the role of caregiver for a victim know full well the depth of despair that follows abuse. We certainly understand the rage, anger, and powerlessness that accompany victimization. “If something terrible has happened to you, to those you love, it is an understandable and normal response to hate, to be bitter, to want revenge. The problem is… it will not destroy our enemies, it will destroy us. We have to find ways of acknowledging the poison and letting it go. That is a journey we need to travel.” (Fr. Michael Lapsley, SSM)3
The factors that remain important for us to keep in mind are the glimmers of Hope that arise from these great moments of darkness. Having been forgiven by someone is a powerful experience that leads to a deeper understanding of our self and it propels us to compassion for others. In the absence of this great human experience, we have an even more powerful paradigm of forgiveness—the mercy and love of God—which makes us whole time and time again and which gives us the freedom to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves again.
I somehow feel that this attempt at fulfilling a promise to the victims and survivors that I work with in addressing the complexities of forgiveness will raise even more questions and concerns than the previous article in 2004. For this, please forgive me. Know however, that I write this not as a person leading a retreat or giving a lecture or training session, but as a victim of child sexual abuse myself. I know firsthand the difficulties of what it is like to be on the lifelong journey of forgiveness and healing. Most especially, I know the pain involved when others call me to forgive and trust again, and I know how difficult it is to hear the Gospel message of forgiving 70 times 7 times.
What God calls us all to do, he calls me to do. When Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7 times he meant it. Forgiveness, therefore, is forever. That is a good thing for me to know because I think it will take me that long to perfect and understand it. The great consolation I take is the fact that we are doing this together and are not alone. We are united in God’s Love and strengthened by His mercy. The process of journeying with each other is a great blessing for which I am forever grateful.
